What I've Done
by yellowsocks
Summary: Dan centric. Songfic, What I've Done by Linkin Park. Dan's thoughts from the moment he kills Keith until the end of the Season 4 finale.


**A/N: Here's another oneshot, that I wanted to finish ages ago, but never did. It's basically Dan's thoughts about what's going on between episode 316 and 421.**

**Disclaimer: One Tree Hill Is MINE! Haha, you totally fell for that, right? Or not... Okay, so it's not mine. :D**

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In this farewell  
There's no blood  
There's no alibi_

I did it. I killed my brother. My hand didn't shake. I just pulled the trigger. It wasn't even planned. The gun was there, no one else was around. I figured it was now or never. Just one bullet and it was over. Just as easy as it had begun, I had ended it. Keith had tried to kill me, he deserved to die. That's what I'm trying to convince myself. I'm trying to walk away and forget it ever happened. But there's that little voice in the back of my head telling me that I made a mistake. That maybe Keith shouldn't have died that day. So I try to forget, move those thoughts to the back of my mind. But they just won't leave. I have a feeling this is going to haunt me forever.

'_Cause I've drawn regret  
From the truth  
Of a thousand lies_

It was a mistake. I found that out today. My bitch of a wife was the one that tried to murder me. And it's now I realize there was no reason to kill Keith. That it was Deb that I should have aimed the gun at. But it's too late for these realizations now. I have killed someone who didn't deserve to die, and someone knows about it. I am going to spend the rest of my life in jail, and there's no one to blame but myself. I killed my brother, and now I'm going to pay. I have to hide, I can't let them figure out it was me. I just can't.

_So let mercy come  
And wash away  
What I've done_

My son killed a man today. A man who tried to ruin his life. Like father, like son. Except this man really did try and ruin Nathan's life. He tried to make Nathan forfeit the state championships, and when Nathan wouldn't, the man hit Haley with a car. Haley, the woman Nathan loved with all his heart. And when his car crashed, Nathan punched the man to death. But I took the fall. I guess I'm only trying to make up for killing Keith, but I'd like to think I'm doing it to protect my son. To give him a chance at life. But I know that's not the truth. Nathan wasn't even on my mind when I pretended I was the one who killed Dante. I just saw it as a way to pay for what I'd done, without having to admit I'd done it. I was being selfish. No surprise there.

_I'll face myself  
To cross out what I've become  
Erase myself  
And let go of what I've done_

I was let out of jail today. It wasn't Nathan that killed him. It was the impact of the crash. I should've known that the only way I can make up for this, is by admitting to it. But I don't think I can do that. I'm the mayor of Tree Hill. Although I suppose by now, everyone thinks I could murder a man. They all thought I murdered Dante. But it's different with Keith. He was my brother. And my campaign was based around family. A family I never had. Deb and I were over long before I ran for mayor. My son emancipated himself. I hated my brother for sleeping with my wife. And my other son and ex girlfriend, never needed me.

_Put to rest  
What you thought of me  
While I clean this slate  
With the hands of uncertainty_

I can't hide from it any longer. Someone knows I killed Keith. They're trying to get me scared enough to turn myself in. They won't leave me alone until I do. But it's not going to happen. It's probably just a lucky guess. There was no one else in that hall. There couldn't have been. But apparently there was. How could I have been so careless? The opportunity presented itself, and I took it. It was greedy of me. All I wanted was Keith dead. But it was for all the wrong reasons. And now I'm going to have to pay for my mistakes. For what I've done.

_  
So let mercy come  
And wash away  
What I've done_

This person is sending me text messages now. They're trying to back me into a corner, make me lose my mind. Until there's no way out. And then I'm stuck. I'll have no choice. But they won't win. I thought maybe it was Lucas. I had watched him walk out with Peyton moments before, but it wasn't. I think he knows who's doing this to me though. He's got it figured out. And if they tell him the truth, tell him what they saw...I might as well kill myself. I'm just going to have to deny it. They seem scared, like they don't want people to know who they are. If they don't come forward as a witness, then I'll be fine.  
_  
I'll face myself  
To cross out what I've become  
Erase myself  
And let go of what I've done_

It will be my word against Lucas'. And who are they going to believe, some kid or the mayor? I think we all know the answer. Lucas went to the police, and just like I knew they would, they didn't believe him. He had no evidence. I wonder how much longer I can hide from this. How much longer I can play this game. It's going to come out eventually, and it'll be undeniable. I'll be trapped, and no one's going to save me. I'm trying to make up for it. I'm trying to help Karen. Without Keith to be there for her child, she's going to need somebody. And I feel like I owe it to her, and to Keith.

_For what I've done  
I start again  
And whatever pain may come_

Lucas held a gun to my head. He even shot it, but he missed. Whether on purpose or not, I'll never know. I was only trying to help Karen. She was lying on the floor, helpless. But Lucas didn't want me anywhere near her. So I did what he wanted me to. I left. And I knew exactly where I had to go. I was driving myself insane with this guilt. I have to get rid of this pain and regret. I have to forgive myself and I have to be forgiven. And there's only one way to do that, to get that forgiveness.

_Today this ends  
I'm forgiving what I've done  
I'll face myself  
To cross out what I've become_

I lie here, cold and alone on the floor of my jail cell. I tried to kill myself. But with nothing but a sheet to hang myself with, it's not that easy. The sheet ripped and I fell to this hard, grey floor. And I don't think I'll ever get up again. Karen came to see me today. She hated herself for not believing Lucas at first. But more than that, she hated me, for killing one of the only men that ever loved her. The father of her little girl. I deserved it. I deserved every minute of it. I'm going to love Karen forever. But I don't think I can take much more of this. Jail has only made me more crazy. I know now that there is only one way to forgive myself, to stop this insanity. Death is the only answer.

_Erase myself  
And let go of what I've done  
What I've done  
Forgiving what I've done_

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